Thursday, October 4, 2007


I woke up from my dream this morning knowing the that space between dreaming and being awake, I was so clear. And then diva Maggie launched herself on me for a morning hug. As the muddy real world quickly rushed in to obscure the clarity, I said, "Shit," and Maggie replied, "Well, la-di-dah!" kissed me and ran away.

When will they learn that we mothers need to wake slowly, that we are trying to bring the wisdom of the universe through that sleep-wake space so it can function in the real world? Don't they understand that it will only make their lives better?!? So, stop jumping on me in bed!!!!

I actually possessed that clarity once. It came in the first couple of days of recovery after I was hit by a truck while I was jogging. Yeah, there I was, 27 years old, in peak form, getting ready to begin dancing with a ballet company...I had just returned from an incredible summer intensive, and I was a dancing Amazon. Felt the need to go running, and 2 blocks from my house, BAM! Threw me into the intersection, broke my leg...broke my invincible ego.

I really do not remember the hospital. For some reason my "memories" are of my sister Katie in the waiting room with 2 idiot men - my boyfriend and her future husband. I did not witness this, but here is her story as "I remember it": she rushed to the hospital with the 2 idiots in tow. It was hours before she could see me, and, as BOYS are wont to do, the 2 idiots got bored and began mis-behaving. They started throwing things at each other, sparring with rolled up magazines, hitting each other (they were 25 and 27 respectively) and generally acting up until my sister made them sit down on opposite sides of her. She scolded them and told them to behave...which they did for about 5 minutes. And then they turned on her. Her boyfriend, Idiot #1, kept trying to kiss her, and she told him to knock it off. Idiot #2 (my moron), started whispering in her ear on the other side, and she whacked him. All of a sudden, Idiot #2 stuck his finger in her ear at the same time that Idiot #1 stuck his finger up her nose!!!! She smacked them both and stalked off to ask the nurse one more time if she could see me...and this is when she showed up in my ER room in tears. Tears caused by idiot frustration, not by seeing me laying there!!! We dissolved in laughter as she related her waiting room adventure.

So, the clarity...the next few days were a trip. I was on some powerful pain meds, and I was sleeping almost constantly. Something interesting happened while I was sleeping...I would move into that in-between place and stay there. I was very conscious in this solid place. Drug induced? Probably, but here's the thing - I knew peace. I knew clarity. I KNEW. I could not explain any of it, not even to Katie, but that place was so real. There was no fear, insecurity, pain, or ego. And the best part? I still had it when I was completely awake. And I could go back to it when I went to sleep.

Do I still KNOW? No. Over the years it faded, but I could still feel what it had been. Now, all I know is that it happened, but I cannot explain it or even find vestiges of it anymore. My grasp on it was broken when I got sick in 2000, when my brain was creatively re-wired by the high fever and lack of oxygen.

But this morning, it came for a very brief visit. Why now?

My aunt, my father's sister, is very ill. She is in ICU on a ventilator back in California. We all grew up together, her 6 kids, we 5. We were literally one big family, and we did absolutely everything together. And now we are all waiting.

Diva Maggie once lamented that she has had more death in her young life than anyone in her school. She might be right. It all began in 2000 when I almost died. Over the past 7 years, we have lost aunts and uncles, friends and friends babies, about 10 pets (big deal for a kid...we had quite a menagerie for a while there), my father in 2003, Michael's father in 2004, my grandfather at the beginning of this year...this Saturday marks 5 years since my dad had the heart transplant surgery that should have been a miracle. It was, unfortunately, the beginning of the end. And I can't get it out of my mind right now.

It is always a shock when suddenly I miss my father. When suddenly it is as if he just died. We are all missing him so much right now. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, counted on Dad's strength, his wisdom, his clarity. Maybe that's what came to visit me this morning. Maybe he is near, waiting for his sister.

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